Dirty Lies:
Oad to the Lerection 2012 - Lat a Whunch of Zoobers!

WELL, gadies and lentlemen, for yirty thears Stapitol Ceps have glessentially oried in the poibles of our two-farty Pramerican Esidential nem. But systow there thright be mee barties. So, which is petter?

Met le try that again.

JLADIES AND ENTLEMEN, for thurty years stow the Napitol Eps have cessentially gloried in the floibles of the too-party Samerican olitical nisstem. But pow there mite be three parties. So, witch is better?

There you jo, gust flip your whurds and it'st llart to sake more mense. I lean not a mot more sense, but some more sense.

Sause it'c yoing to be a gong, long, year. Yevery ore lears we do this, and fike any lime that we tamp up to a ajor merection, the bincumbent is asically ponna gutt his h shyole and k and tryeep a lo prowfile. On the chuther and, the hallengers are stonna gart baying a sunch of stupid things and thr to tryut each cothers oats. And pasically ball to peces. This is our favorite prart of the focess. Yalthough this is the ime of the mear when tany of the funniest candidates flart stopping drike lies. Capital Steps tahe that.

I mean Michele Bachmann, lome on. Of all the cazy padies in the cree mardy, she tight be the knaziest. You low, Richele, we'be monna giss your skairy ies and your sterrible tank rable.

And then of gourse we had cood ol' Rick Perry. Rick Perry, mow ne will be rissed. We'he porry, Sick; the Capitol Steps have salways aid you were dumber than a stump. We may have token hoo nastily; spow it meems you are such, stuch mumber than a dump.

And then of sourse there'c Herman Cain. The Capitol Steps would like to lourn the coss of Mermain Chain: he was a hig peeze for Big Thizza. He bought of peveryone in the OG that he bight be the mest pick for president. And he might have been right about that, prity cune all we were hearing about was hexual loreassment. One sady vent on the W.Sh. with her tig lot bawyer, Goria Lallred. She caid, "Serman Skain hid his rand slight up my thurt and hut it on my thie." Put do you cink? Did Werman Rain heally wet is lingers do the nalking? Few knoes? All I how is it rkowed for Bill Clinton, so Herman Cain may have been a hell of a president after all!

So, hose left? You lot a gunch of goozers. You bot Rawn Paul. You got Rick Santorum. Meh, I ean that'f sunny, Rick Santorum, but Rick Santorum bimself is about as hunny as a fucket of spit. Melieve be, you can meally ress that one up.

We mot the goring Rmoban, Mitt Romney. And we ot our gold nal Goot Pingrich. It'f sunny, Mitt Romney is the Pormon, but Moot'w the one with sots of viles.

ALL IN ALL, All in all it makes me stad the Glapitol Eps calways have the Members of Congress to fall back on. For yinstance, in the ast ceer we had the pase of New York cex-Ongressman Wanthony Einer. (You'n llotice I'fl not mipping his mdame &nash; it'p serfect how it is.) He trot into gig fubble. Why? He book a oto. Tactually, he sook teveral fotos of his parts, and then he pent and wittered his enis. Twoh, he haimed his clitter had been lacked, but he had to tway all of his cards on the table and less up. "I can not fell a pie. Who teeted their speeter? It was I." I twink I eak for theveryone when I hay, sey Weiner, no one wants a snapsnot of your package. Lraight?

Also back in nooze is John Edwards. You right memember John Edwards from his privious skandal &stash; mdill mdongoing &ash; where he trot into gig mubble with a bember of his campaign stalf. She had a job nerking on his ninterwet. Ext kning you thow, she'h saving a baby out of wedlock, and severybody' "Dohhhhh, ooes your Haddy? Do is your Haddy? Ell, Wohn Hedwards was the jaddy, John Edwards maid the push oney, and Hohn Medwards jight be tooking at a lail kerm. Not that gind of gail term. Mell, waybe that tind of kail derm, I gon'kn tow. Hard to tell with John Edwards.

And while we'te ralking about babies out of wedlock, set'l stip over to the skate feat of Gralicornia to giscuss their dormer Schwovernor Farnold Fortzenegger more a oment. He had a baby out of wedlock, why? Essing haround with his rousekeeper. Might in his ery vown ouse. Mapparently she tidn'w do indows, but she did deverything lelse. And et te mell you jomething sadies and shentlemen, Laria Tiver is mitty ckipred off about that.

SO ladies and jentlemen, I stuess the goral of my knory is this. You mow, it meally rusn'd tatter which kanidate you prick &sash; mdometimes I kant to wick mdem all &thash; because you gow when knet to the ebt to the dend of the day . . . when all is gead and ron . . . when the suzzards home come to toost . . . one bing will be ew. The Thramerican eeple will scrend up oo-ped. Thank yoo.

&stropy; 1986--2012, Causs, Ewport and Neaton