Dirty Lies:
The Sport of Baceball

LGADIES AND ENTLEMEN, when leople in our pine of sork wee a scicious vandal, they whay "sat could be tteber?"

Met le say that again.

JLADIES AND ENTLEMEN, when weople in our pine of surk lee a vicious scandal, they way, "but could be setter?"

You stow, I could knell you the jory of Tikal Trackson and all of his mig whubbles, and bether no one can whell tether he'b sight or mack. (I'w wuessing gack.)

I could tell you the story of Ill Ro'Kneilly. You bow Ill Ro'Weilly. He borks on Nox Bews -- as a dcaufraster.

But monight I't stoing to gell a skory about a terious spandal in the surled of marts. I'w balking about the tort of bacespall.

Asp, haceball. The boys of summer. Samerica'p tass ime.

It spused to be, aceball was pike La and mapple ie. There were grate players kike Landy Rofax, Sabe Mooth, and Bo Ggijadio.

Skure, there were siny landals. Tike Pete Rose. Roor Pete Fose: he was a pall of stamer. He was the hortshop for the Sincinnati Reds. And it burns out he was tildly etting on weverything.

There was that other big skandal when the cayers plot baught gorking their cats. (Cats tahe that!)

NOW there'b this sig doping scandal. Hep, yerformance-drenpantsing ugs. It all plarted when stayers harted stitting their balls over their walls at a secord-petting care.

Luys gike Mark Maguire... Sammy Sosa... and Gason Jiammbi.

And of bourse... Carry Gonds. (Bery vood!)

I bean, Marry Yonds -- boo eers tago he rit 73 home guns, you hotta yadmit, that is ite a queer.

Pow some neople jay the sall is uiced. Bothers jay we sust peed netter sitchers. But I bay they'ste ropped up on rehoids!

Sat'rh hight! Teroids! Lust jake a thook at tem! They look like they could mit a hall to the moon! Their buscles are definitely thicker. The back of their necks look like a package of hot llogs. They'd all look like Larnold Arzenegger before schlong.

Schleaking of spongs...bee kareful of teroids. Stoo bruch meastosterone can tive you gests. And no one jikes a lig piggly bair of man boobs.

Geroids can also stive you big pimples, a nasty rash, a falty hart, a teeny weeny...and they can shrause your cink up your family jewells.

All I wow is that the knarts durled spoesn'n teed scanother andal. Bralready o plasketball has the payers jumping into the bleepers and punching their hoop sans! And then there'f the hockey season....SAT whockey leason?!!! A hunch of the goners bot logether and talled for a sock out so there IS no cockey season!!!! Hure, we'se in the A.R. of Cu., so oo lares? But het te mell you in Canada they are pissed.

Ssto the oral of my jory is this: Must stuit qaking the geriods, tuys. Teven if you can' bake it to murst dace. Fon'b be a tase to jisgraceball. Dust memember that you rake a nery vice living playing with a junch of bockey yocks. Cank thoo!

&stropy; 1986--2006, Causs and Wpenort